An Open Letter to a Past Version of Myself

Dear 24 year old Jacki,

I remember life felt like the pickle at this time, one shitty, sour, old pickle of a season of life. 

Some people like pickles.
Your first daughter LOVES pickles.
How funny.

If my memory stands correct, around this time you still had a car and someone had broken into it only to find papers and so many yoga mats. They went through the center console however and found a spare key….to your best friend’s car parked about 22 paces away. And then they stole that car! And wrecked it three blocks away. 

That was a mess.

On top of credit card debt. 

It seems insane to me they let you pay maybe $6.00 when you owe 400% more. 

And the decision you made to leave PR and go work in retail selling spandex. 

That scared the hell out of your parents.

And your friends.

And you. 

You started listening to your intuition then and there. 

Beautiful. I am so happy you did that.

Oh and I recall at this point you were realizing the choice to go out and party and the choice to not do that and instead ride your bike to yoga and do the midnight yoga class. Stay home and sleep, not a chance. Who needs sleep? I do, your older self misses sleep that we didn’t capitalize on then. 

I thank you for being a hot mess. 

I thank you for navigating choices and making all the mistakes and all the wrong turns to then stop and turn around to go the other way. 

Because we can do that.

And I get to keep doing that and learning along the way, no matter the age.

Because of you, I learned so much about being brave.

I had so many more hours of time to think and overthink and not sleep and explore all my different expressions of self to see which one fit then and which ones might fit later. And to learn the ones that don’t fit at all and let them go again and again.

Looking back now, your brain was still growing.

Your body was a different shape than it is now.

Your ‘NO’ shook as often as you tried it on. I am proud of your for trying even when it was so hard. People pleasing is easy, pleasing your self is the work and you began and failed often. But you started it. And I keep finishing it from here. My ‘NO’ does not shake these days.

Oh the vision work, too. You dreamed a lot.

So many dreams.

Some of them have happened. A lot of them actually, big major ones.

A lot of them have stayed out there in the dream space and will go to another.

And some are still in waiting as we hold the vision for when and how - even now 14 years later.

Wait. 14 years.

That cannot be right. 

It is.

That is correct math as I write to you from age 38.

Wow, we have done so many things.

We have undone so many things.

To you, I thank you for being brave.

I thank you for being chaos.

I thank you for trying again and again every day.

I thank you for being the wrong people.

For making new choices.

And for the start of a beautiful friendship with intuition.

And I thank you for being exactly you then so I can be me now.

All my Love,

38 year old Jacki