The sun has pimples.
Seated in the front passenger seat trekking down the hill home, as we do so often these days as we moved out of our home in a community we lived in for over five years. The car rides seems to be a space of family connection - kind of like a dinner table on wheels. Chris and I do seem to have some of our best conversations when in motion.
My oldest daughter pipes up to me, offering a new topic of discussion and says, “You know mommy, your Grandma is a ghost. And she will always be with you”. I stumble over the word ‘ghost’ as an old holiday movie of Scrooge played by Donald Duck comes to mind.
“I don’t know if I think she is a ghost. I believe she is an angel.” I respond. Speaking too quickly of course missing the sweet point she was trying to make
She says, ‘Oh okay, well she is with you always, you know?”
I am thankful she loves to get her point across and is happy to repeat herself….and often. In which I agree with her, catch that cotton ball feeling in the back of my throat and thank her for sharing that with me as I do want my Gram (she passed over in 2021) to be with me a lot of the times.
She smiles, proud of herself as she knows it made me happy and sits back in her seat.
Off to the next thought.
And even now a week later, I cannot shake the conversation. Of course it was beautiful and so touching for her to say that because I do agree with her. But where did that come from? Why did she say that in the car out of the blue? We weren’t talking about my Grandmother, death or even Halloween yet (a nod to the ghost).
I read in Michael Pollen’s book, “How to Change Your Mind’ that children are basically on the same level as adults when tripping on psychedelic mushrooms. The world is so new, colorful and so void of shame, judgement and drama at a young, young age with a wide open imagination and deep connection to the present moment.
And I often wonder if they have a deeper connection to spirit, God or source - whatever word works for you as I am still seeking the word that works for me. That same oldest daughter also has told me the trees talk to her in words. And I would catch the girls as babies staring off into the space at something/someone. Freya even laughs up at the space - who/what is up there I wonder. I don’t see anything.
Honestly, I am beyond jealous though.
Like today, my middle daughter drew a picture of a little baby sun (her words) with little tiny pimples all over it. And it was beautiful this sun with all the pimples. She has no idea how the word ‘pimple’ triggers me into a very real spiral. She has no idea the amount of Clinique make up I wore at age 14 to hide every imperfection. She has no idea that I still, to this day, wonder when I will have clear skin. The pimple is just a pimple to her - no wounds, all information.
How beautiful. Again, so jealous.
I made a promise to myself last year to allow more magic and let go of my tight ass grip on reality. While I thought it would be me experiencing the magic, I see now that the promise I made was to notice it anywhere and everywhere. And holy wow, children who are basically tripping on mushrooms with their brain development (said by Michael Pollen…and I love it) and spew magic on the daily.
In speaking to a client today, I was reminded that the child we once were is always in us. The child I was that loved and lived to make my parents and grandparents happy. The child I was that loved getting good grades, making my friends laugh and wearing this checkerboard bathing suit in which the sun (that I assume now has always had pimples) would tan through the white squares and leave a hilarious checkerboard imprint of tan lines on my naked body. Of course this could easily pivot off into inner child work but I don’t have the science, education or experience to go there. But I do know I feel something when I see a younger image of me - and goodness she (me) looks so much like my first child.
So I’ll keep seeing the magic. Probably dip a toe again in mushrooms (after I am done breastfeeding). Go softer on that pimple on my nose today because the sun has them, too. Keep trying to talk to the trees and lean back because Gram is there. I will remember that the magic in them is also the magic in me, because I can feel it, see it, believe it, too just as I once did when I was a kid.