Contribution through Conformity

I have been having vivid dreams of the holidays of past with my Grandmother now gone. As if reaching to recreate them as the holidays pass, I keep visiting snapshots in time through my dreamscapes.

I have seen my cousin and I with huge glasses and huge jackets exploring the snow outdoors when everything was wrapped in ice. I have another memory checking the lake to see if it was ready to ice skate and I went too far and fell in and my Grandmother had to get me out. I wrote a short story in the 7th grade about Christmas and the traditions of a card game called euchre and re-read that recently. And then another memory surfaced…

I am seated at my Grandmother’s island while she is getting all the food out after church. We always crammed into her small church every Christmas Eve. A few people would go early to try and save two to three rows of chairs but some of us were always late and had to line the walls and stand the whole time. After church we would cram into her ranch house and have dinner before the highly anticipated gift giving began amongst 55+ people.

I cannot remember what I was saying or how I had gotten under my Gram’s skin but she always got a little stressed getting all the food out. I’m sure I had already poured a glass of wine and if my memory serves me correctly, I sure as hell was not being of help.

And she called me right on out.

She looked at me with her teeth gritted and I remember her scolding me that I never contributed. Every year I show up and have never made a dish, never lifted a finger to do my part. I felt my face flush. My Grandmother rarely ever yelled at me but in this moment, she did. In front of everyone.

And she was not wrong but she was wrong.

I did not contribute through cooking or baked goods or dish display. The truth is: I don’t cook like every other woman in the family does. At the time I was out of college and hard on proving to her and myself another way of doing life. I actually said to her that night that if she wanted me to cook, I would ask my boyfriend to contribute as he was the cook in the relationship.

I believe she rolled her eyes.

And we all ate.

I do know this: I contributed energetically. I often said a blessing before opening gifts. I brought a karaoke machine one year for everyone and the kids. I brought arts and crafts activities. And I told jokes, too.

With my tail between my legs, I did do the dishes that night so there was that.

And yet the story has stuck with me this holiday season and beyond as I consider how we are raised, traditions continued and even the social norms we uphold to ‘fit in’. The contribution through conformity, if you will. And while that might work for some, it did not work for me.

Offering this insight as, of course, my Grandmother and I made amends most likely within 7 minutes and I continued to contribute my own way (and still never made a dish to contribute). In all honesty, there was way too much food. It was the principle of the matter, not what was actually necessary.

So I share this for you and me to check in.

Are you contributing through conformity or can you explore your true gifts, your energy and how you come most alive and find your way in?

Be it to your family.

For your own self and purpose.

To society.

A community.

A relationship.

What we don’t need is people proving anything.

What we need right now is people showing up in their unique offering and already knowing they belong.