External Validation Matters. It Does.

Venturing out to dinner with small children can rock the nervous system. It feels like a good idea with not having to make dinner (note, I do not make dinner, Chris does and it is nice to give the chef a break), fun to order something different or if you are like me, I always treat myself to a root beer when out to dinner these days, it feels bubbly and fun.

And yet, you arrive and you are taken to your seat. It is a sweet little spot as most restaurants in my small mountain town are. The kids are stoked on pasta as we chose Italian and they have this coloring page and colors for the kids, seems great. Then you assess the space. You have been seated as a 4 top right before any server would be delivering food to the big booths. And why, why, why is there a big reflective mirror style window there? My second child has already gotten out of her seat to see herself dance in said mirror-window - we have been here 3 minutes. 

Someone spilled. 

And I can never decide if ordering the kids food first is a great idea to distract them or the worst idea ever as they are done eating by the time our food arrives and then what?

Some days we dabble with iPhones as a way for us to get a word or bite in. But on this evening, I had left my phone at home and we often explore a week-long detox of screens every quarter or so and we are in on those exact detoxes this week and out to dinner. 

I am well aware that someone reading this will send me an article on parenting and how the way you raise your kids can directly correlate on your ability to eat out to dinner with a co-regulated nervous system. Thank you and I implore you not to send me said article. Keep reading….

So we are coming to the near-ish end of dinner. There is a woman a table over with her partner having a nice quiet dinner. She has short hair and a purple-y vest and she is wearing full on athletic tennis shoes to dinner. 

She gets up and comes over to the table. I immediately start sweating - what did we do? Were the kids too loud? Did she come here for a nice quiet dinner and well, that didn’t happen?

She said to me and Chris, “I just have to tell you both, your children have done amazing. They have been so patient and respectful during dinner. You are doing a great job.”.

I pretend to make a joke and look around as if she must have made some mistake, as my eyes well with tears that I am trying so desperately to hide. 

I thank her so much and she returns ever so lightly to her booth in her athletic shoes and vest.

I ask Chris, “was she at the same dinner we are at?” as it always seems so different when you are in it and trying to keep the kid from taking out a service, spilling and dancing again in front of a window mirror.

And her compliment stayed with me.

It stayed with me for days. 

I smiled thinking of her. I was so proud. I am still proud. 

And this is why external validation matters. I want to be clear that it is not the only thing that matters. But it matters. We as humans are wired for belonging - and while I know I can tell myself every damn day “I belong” and I can put it on a post it note to read in my office, it hits different when someone else tells you. It does, you know it does.

That vested woman reminded me we belong and we are doing a great job. And I hope today after reading this, you look up from your phone at the coffee shop or dinner and notice someone trying really, really, really hard and you tell, you get up from your seat and you tell them, “hey, good job”.

We will live in a different place if we show up this way.