Dear 24 year old Jacki,

I remember life felt like the pickle at this time, one shitty, sour, old pickle of a season of life.

Some people like pickles.
Your first daughter LOVES pickles.
How funny.

If my memory stands correct, around this time you still had a car and someone had broken into it only to find papers and so many yoga mats. They went through the center console however and found a spare key….to your best friend’s car parked about 22 paces away. And then they stole that car! And wrecked it three blocks away.

Seated in the front passenger seat trekking down the hill home, as we do so often these days as we moved out of our home in a community we lived in for over five years. The car rides seems to be a space of family connection - kind of like a dinner table on wheels. Chris and I do seem to have some of our best conversations when in motion.

My oldest daughter pipes up to me, offering a new topic of discussion and says, “You know mommy, your Grandma is a ghost. And she will always be with you”. I stumble over the word ‘ghost’ as an old holiday movie of Scrooge played by Donald Duck comes to mind.

“I don’t know if I think she is a ghost. I believe she is an angel.” I respond. Speaking too quickly of course missing the sweet point she was trying to make

It is the first of the month and a great time to audit how you are living and make some requests! I do this once a month in my community and with myself as a way to stay aware, honor where I have been and create intention to where I want to go.

One of my values is learning and another is connection and when I meet someone who feels like an immediate connection and teaches you something right away, I am all in.

This is how I felt when I met MK (actually on instagram) the first time and second time and beyond. I loved her voice, her energy, her resourcefulness and stand for inclusion and accessibility through her own life story and through offering education to the World. She embarked on THE12 last year and I got to behold her flourishing into a new job title, new offerings and an expanded self she stepped into and wow, it felt like magic. I am still all in.

CW: Do not read if you have a newborn or new babe that doesn’t sleep. My second child didn’t really sleep until age 3 so waited to read this book….for years.

Now you know. Let the review begin:

I found this book beyond fascinating, full of learnings and one of those books that changed my sleep habits immediately from how I go to sleep, how I wake up, how I talk about sleep and what I know about health. ‘Why We Sleep’ written by Matthew Walker is not only a book about sleep hygiene but also a book about our society, our education system, our immune system and solutions for the future.

And in a word, this book is intense.

I moved to this small mountain town outside of Denver about 4 and ½ years ago with a dream to escape the city, raise my children in flannel on trails and have a community of people who love the outdoors, Earth and adventure. I decided to truly take my time to dig into building a community and let myself bask in this vision board of a goal come to life of owning a home in the mountains.

I met a few small business owners along the way as the town was pretty quaint when we first moved here which led me to a kismet meeting on the floor of my living room with Dani Rooney. We didn’t have much furniture yet but I had a coffee machine and an old vintage rug so I invited Dani over and we sat on a rug with espressos for about 2 hours and the rest is history. We have been supporting one another’s businesses ever since, she with the candles and me with the goals.

I recently finished reading ‘Atlas of the Heart’ by Brené Brown (you can read my book review here) and loved her section on hope. This quote has stuck with me since reading the chapter, “We need hope like we need air” and her three-tiered approach at how we access hope. She speaks to 1) the ability to set goals, 2) the perceived pathways to make those goals a reality and 3) our agency - our belief in ourselves as the trifecta of hope.

The following chapter speaks to the emotion of hopelessness which occurs often when the goals don’t happen, perhaps we only had one path mapped out versus the other 82 possible ways and then of course, the power of believing in ourselves as intrinsically connected to how a goal comes to fruition and thus how hope is sustained (and even how we keep learning hope).

Many moons ago, I used to share my learnings from last month and goals and intentions for the next month on the first of each month in a blog. Not only did it create a consistency for me in a ritual but it also created accountability as people would read it, comment and some times even join a goal for the month. I would then cross-reference the goal share the next first of the month and hold my own self accountable. Momentum in action really. And I am very honest that my goals done with others, in community and out loud are the goals that actually happen.

Reviving the written Audit & Ask here today on February 1.

I have been devouring books as of late. The screens with the plethora of choices as you scroll Netflix or HBO, it is not doing it for me. And of course, I recently read in a book titled ‘Why Sleep Matters’ all about the blue light and LED light before bed and the brain and now I am on a rampage to read and dim the lights.

I often am asked how I make time to read when I share a new book review or a recent book stack from my library. So! I polled my book club for some ideas on how to support your reading goals this year, in no particular order, here you go:

Some times you just know. I met Shannon Santangelo virtually on a workshop on ZOOM and then again attending one of her LIVE instagram talks. I wrote her name down on a post it note as someone to keep on my radar. I sent her the post it note before we knew each other and said ‘I think I knew you before I knew you’. And she since joined THE12, she since launched her new offerings, she since pivoted, changed, allowed and surrendered to the power that is her own voice and leads women to do the same. Know her, connect with her.

I really, really loved this atlas. I don’t even know if I can keep it in the category or label it a ‘book’ in the way we know books. It is a larger endeavor of a read, it is an experience in storytelling which Brené is so damn good at and it beckoned me to read it like a textbook and I loved that student seat again.

But first, hold that thought, because when I picked this book up at my local bookstore I was steeped in judgement. I flipped through the large print, the pages with quotes and I felt the weight in my hands and was pretty uncertain at the start. How can I read this in my beloved bath? How do you even lay in bed with a book this size?

I say it often and I’ll say it again, everyone needs a Holly Baier in their lives. I met Holly on a goals hike, at a vision board event, in yoga and beyond. I told her I wanted to make her a Goals Hike girls scout-style vest that I could custom create patches for just for her as she led the charge in showing up and being a consistent support system you forget you need. She is sunshine in human form, she taught me how to bullet journal, we have co-led a goals hike together and during the pandemic she came over and taught my kids music and yoga. We all need a Holly, meet her and love her as much as I do.

I really love Fredrik Backman’s writing style. Especially when you start to learn more about the discipline of writing, character and plot development - he is an absolute genius of words and connection. And I cried at the end, which is always a great sign of connection to characters.

I read this book over the holidays when the idea of self help books sends me cross-eyed, truly. I even read chapters and finished it on a roadtrip from Colorado to Texas. Somehow, some way, I am able to read books in the car - I should mention it was a hardback, this was not audible style.

I have been pondering a lot (a lot a lot) in the last six month about personal responsibility and my own health. And wowza, take a moment to define the word ‘health’ for you as it comes in all shapes and sizes with different words and vibrations for every single person. And I truly believe that in order to create practices or connection to even a word like health, we have to know what it means first to create choice and clarity - while also checking in to see if someone or some social ideal has defined it for us.

I met Dr. Nicole Huffman on one of my beloved goals hikes. She has a magnetism about her that wasn’t pushy or overpowering (as I know I can be) and she kept showing up curious, open and truly present. I was hesitant to learn more about naturopathic medicine - even though I love the alternatives in all domains of life really, at this time in my life I was not as open. Grateful she kept showing up so I could open up as I have been working with Dr. Nicole for over 2 years now and consider her a crucial member of my life support team (life support meaning business, body and mind).

I had a reflective conversation with my husband last night about the power of choice in our days and auditing what we are doing with our time. We spoke to consuming the news, social media, podcasts and the nights we flip between streaming TV and reading a library book. We talked about finances, the government, and we explored what makes us happy. We discussed how these choices we make day to day impact our energy and thus, of course, how we show up for one another and our children - how we show up for ourselves.

It was a deeper conversation and it jolted us.

In a good way.

I recently finished her book ‘Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life’ and I truly loved it. Written in memoir style, she is a wonderful story teller and straight shooter. I have a goal to write a book and two friends told me to read this and when a double recommendation happens, I jump on my library website to place a hold.

In this book, Anne speaks to the trials and tribulations of writing, kind of like we see reflected often in life. The discipline to sit your butt in that chair every day and write. The goal to get published while recognizing this should never be the goal at all as it can lead to empty promises, vanity and way less than expected (like way less).

I have been having vivid dreams of the holidays of past with my Grandmother now gone. As if reaching to recreate them here in December, I keep visiting snapshots in time.

I have seen my cousin and I with huge glasses and huge jackets exploring the snow outdoors when everything was wrapped in ice. I have another memory checking the lake to see if it was ready to ice skate and I went too far and fell in and my Grandmother had to get me out. I wrote a short story in the 7th grade about Christmas and the traditions of a card game called euchre and re-read that recently. And then another memory surfaced…

I feel I have known Margaret James for a few lifetimes yet in this one lifetime as we have evolved identities many times over since our first encounter across states and way back before this life. I have been honored to be a coach through some transformations and support of launches for Margaret while I have also have learned to lay down and rest, neti pot, breast massage and estrogen knowledge to name a few through her coaching in rest, Ayurveda and feminine embodiment. She is a force of nature, truly.

Meet Margaret.

In seeing every book list recap out there right now, it does seem to be at the top of the shelf for LGBTQ+ reads this 2021 year and I agree. I found the writing smart, captivating and I learned a lot with transgender character at the center stage of this novel. And I heard it is going to be made into a TV series, I always like the books better.